Who I Am Inside
by Mustard Lady
Summary: During the Canaries episode, after her first bout with being drugged and hallucinating that she saw Sara, Laurel feels so conflicted about her newly chosen role as the Black Canary, and her contribution to Team Arrow. She did it to carry on her sister's legacy, but everyone keeps telling her to back off. She can't do that! Or...should she? One-shot. NOT for Laurel haters!


**This is my first Arrow fic! I don't own Arrow. My sister introduced me to the show, and I love the characters as much as the Flash. I think all the leading female characters in Arrow are great: Felicity, Sara, Nyssa, Laurel, Thea, Lila, I think they're all beautiful women of character and strength in their own special ways. I adore Felicity. I can't help cheering for Thea! But Laurel is my personal favorite. Do I always agree with her? No, of course not! But I think she is a very underrated character. I couldn't stand it when she was an addict, and blaming everyone else for her problems. But I feel like so many people don't take note of what happened after: she forgave Oliver-her ex-fiancé who cheated on her!-, she eventually stood by him-even when her dad hated his guts!-; she reconciled with Sara-her sister who helped cheat on her!- who became her hero; do you realize the tremendous strength and courage it takes to put something like that behind you, and fully support and love those people? Laurel did after that, and I feel like almost nobody appreciates that. And I love how her and her dad are always there for each other even the other screws up horribly, and or they butt heads!**

 ** **Sorry for the long spiel, but I feel I have to defend Laurel when I saw that the next time tragedy struck her hard-Sara dying again-, this time she didn't blame the world or those close to her. She fought back. So, this fic is _NOT_ for Laurel haters! If you can't stand her, then I please beg you, don't even bother to read this rather than send me hateful comments! PLEASE! I feel that Laurel deserves respect. And BTW, she's not the only one Arrow who screwed up badly, more than once! Sorry to sound so defensive. ****

****Takes place during the Canaries episode.****

* * *

 _Nobody understands,_ Dinah Laurel Lance silently says to herself as she lays flat in her bed, staring at the dark ceiling. _Nobody understands why I chose this! And now I'm beginning to wonder, did I do the right thing? According to everyone else, the answer is no. And now I can't seem to decide._

 _I've made some mistakes before, after Sara died-the first time-and Ollie, then Tommy! I blamed his death on Ollie. It wasn't him, it was that sick, twisted father of his that got Tommy killed! Then Sara…_

 _When Sara came back from the dead...everything went upside down. I should never have treated her the way I did when I found out the truth! I should've been rejoicing with my parents. I was hurt, and I was confused, but that is no excuse for trying to drive my sister away, and part of it was my fault anyway for letting myself get sucked into those stupid pills and that d- alcohol bottle!_

 _Thank God we became sisters again! Just before...before..._ Tears fill Laurel's eyes, quietly, slowly, running down her slim face, as if they are her only companions who understood. _Before she was murdered! She became my hero, after I reconciled with her! She was my hero! She was a beautiful person, no matter what personal demons she was living with! And some good-for-nothing killed her! My sister! My friend! They're not gonna get away with it!_

Laurel shifts from her back, onto her side, staring blankly at the city lights that flicker in the night sky outside her bedroom window. Tears still morph everything together. _My dad of all people should've been the first to know! But, but how can people expect me to tell him that he's lost his daughter_ _ **AGAIN**_ _, and with his heart in the fragile state it's in now? People didn't see him the way I saw him, when he thought Sara died at sea! He was absolutely broken, and defeated, and just so lost! Can he really handle going through that a second time?! I have to tell him! It's killing me inside not telling him the truth, and having to keep up this facade that Sara is still alive, but is not in Starling City! But it would kill me to tell him! It would kill_ _him,_ _if I told him! What should I do? He's been hurt so much already and has gotten past it. I can't bear the thought of him being heartbroken again! He'll let himself die for sure this time._

Laurel brushes a stray tear with the palm of her hand and sniffles. She rises from her bed and approaches her mirror on the full-length dresser, where there sits a picture of herself with Sara, each of them leaning under one of their dad's protective, loving arms. More tears well up as her eyes fall on it. Then she faces her own reflection in the mirror and folds her arms over her chest.

 _ **Look at me,**_

 _ **I will never pass for a perfect bride,**_

 _ **Or a perfect daughter;**_

 _ **Can it be,**_

 _ **I'm not meant to play this part?**_

Laurel thinks about what's been happening with the team. She was drugged during one of the stings, and saw Sara face to face. Sara was angry, and taunted and beat her for taking her place.

 _ **Now I see**_

 _ **That if I were truly to be myself,**_

 _ **I would break my family's heart.**_

 _My sister deserves a proper funeral, where all who loved and knew her, the people she saved should come to pay tribute to her. And what happened?! We had to hold a private funeral, so nobody knows, so that to the rest of the world Sara Lance remains dead, like before she returned. She deserved better than that! Nobody will get to know who she was, or what she did for this city...If I don't keep that memory alive! Everybody tells me I'm not Sara. I know that!_

 _ **Who is that girl I see?**_

 _ **Staring straight**_

 _ **Back at me?**_

 _ **Why is my reflection someone**_

 _ **I don't know?**_

 _There are bad people in this city who deserve to be punished. But they're not. They're getting away with it! That's why we need the Arrow! That's why he became the Arrow. But something's changed for me too. Being the district attorney is NOT ENOUGH anymore! And there is so much red tape involved, politics. That get in the way of people's lives on the line! I have to do something, something more!_

 _ **Somehow I cannot hide**_

 _ **Who I am**_

 _ **Though I've tried.**_

 _People in this city need protection. If I don't do this, Sara will have died for nothing! Sara didn't wait to be granted with the stamp of approval of her superiors, or her peers, her friends, to do what she did. She saw a need, a deep need that wasn't being met as well as it could be. She took up a stand and did something about it. That's what I'm going to do! Maybe my friends will never understand. Maybe they'll never see me as anything but reckless. Maybe they'll just never see it. But I have to do this! Through my life, people have teased me, "Dinah Laurel Lance, always trying to save the world." It's not a joke anymore! If I don't, who will?! We need heroes, guardian angels like the Arrow, Arsenal, Spartan. Why can't I be one too? Is that really such a crime? So what if I'm not Sara? I want to help! I have to! I just wish, just once, they'd try to understand that!  
_

 _ **When will my reflection show**_

 _ **Who I am inside?**_

Laurel covers her face with her hands, briskly brushing away the tears. Then stares at herself very hard, struggling with her thoughts.

 _ **When will my reflection show**_

 _ **Who I am inside?**_


End file.
